How to… go on a road trip

As the summer has but a few short months left, it’s your last chance of hitting the highway and remembering that there is more to Jordan and three malls, a Dead Sea pool and your friend’s farm. Yes, there is. Trust us on this.

A half-decent car
Obvious, right? Tell that to the editor who thought heading down to Petra in a hired Kia Piccanto – complete with unconvincing suspension and suspicious rattle – and barely made it to the Desert Highway. A Pajero-style SUV will keep your passengers happy – and provide an extra bed when the vultures start circling at 4.30am.

GPS device
Look, we know there will be at least one off-roading, adventure-travelling expert who will try to convince you he knows how to navigate through the Badia by interpreting the moonlight shadows on certain types of basalt. Don’t listen to him. He’s a fraud. So take a GPS – and someone who knows how to use it.

Dead wood
Dead trees are in short supply in Jordan. Live ones, too, come to think of it – gee, thanks Jordan-Dubai Capital! But as you can’t have a campfire without firewood, you should bring it with you as the desert is no place to find random supplies of combustible material. 

Meat
Open skies equals open fire. Open fire equals meat. It’s a bestial thing. Women just don’t understand. So, unless you have brought a poison-tipped spear and know where the antelopes hang out, it’s probably a good idea to get your kofte pre-minced and spiced, and your chicken filleted and diced before you set off. And put it in a cool box, please.

Torch
Let’s be honest, you’re not going to be using the toilet “facilities” laid on in the likes of Wadi Rum – unless you like flies, the odour of a morgue and general pestilence – so a torch is vital for the 3am hill-climb to find a sheltered spot to do nature’s bidding.

Wet wipes
No self-respecting man would ever remember these road-trips essentials – and might actually struggle to identify them – but they are vital in the desert. Think sand-encrusted nether regions after a night under the stars. They don’t do showers out here.

Bad stories
You’re going to be on the road for several hours, and when you arrive you’ll bes sitting around a campfire all night – with no TV. So you need conversation. Tall tales about ghosts and wild animal attacks always do the trick. A scared woman is a receptive woman…

Water
For the love of God take about twice as much as you think you’ll need. And then add a couple of bottles for effect. You don’t want to be drinking your own urine at 4am.

Beer. And plenty of drinking games
Let’s face it, you’re going to be spending a lot of time with the same group of people – and with no distracting entertainment. To stop this being incredibly tedious, you need the essential social lubricant of alcohol. A supply of moronic freshman booze games – sand isn’t great for spin-the-bottle, sadly – to help pass the evening.

Foreign women
Come on, you read the front cover story in JO last month… hundreds of American birds are currently flocking here just to get their hands on your Arab ass. A trip to the heart of the wind-swept, star-covered desert will merely treble your chances of some meaningless, orientalist exploitation.