The top 10 Ways to get Married on the Cheap

As it’s summer, you may be thinking about getting married. And, if you are, you might also be thinking about the 12,629 ways you would rather spend $25,000 than on a party for a load of people you don’t know, a suit you’ll wear once and a ring that signals the end of your freedom forever.

10. Elope
No ceremony? No family? No catering? No problem
Okay, so, your mother won’t want to talk to you for at least three months, and her father will blame you for everything wrong in his daughter’s life… forever. But you can harly go cheaper than eloping. All you have to think about is transportation (say, the 10JDs or so for a seat in a crowded taxi to Syria), and maybe a few dollars for a hotel room.
The other good thing about eloping is that no one in your family will have anything to do with you when you come back, meaning you will be able to experience a form of freedom unique in the Arab World – and during which time, you will also save a few hundred dinars by not forking out for reciprocal dinners. In fact, this might be the best solution to any wedding plan; you’re legal, and therefore moral, but you don’t get the constant scrutiny and interference from your parents. Or, crucially, hers.


9. Marry a feminist
A wife who believes in the equal division of costs will significantly reduce your bill – if not your housework
If you spend enough time hanging around Jebel Weibdeh’s coffee shops, the local writers’ union or the headquarters of Amman’s 15 leftist parties, you are bound to find your dream wife – a fine young lady who will not subscribe to the society’s gender roles. And although the lack of make-up might fail to obscure the cigarette-stained teeth and moustache, her free spirit will more than compensate.
On the big day, moreover, your Annie Di Franco-loving fiancée won’t need convincing that a “feminist wedding” is the way to go. You will share all the costs, get a discount on the dowry – if any – and you will pass up on the white dress in favour of that Cure tour t-shirt from 1987 and a Balinese sarong. In return, she gets to keep her last name, gets the right to a divorce whenever she wants, and you agree to ignore the traditional division of household labour. Like, you might be asked to have the children. And do all the housework, since domestic labour is a 21st century form of slavery, naturally.
One last piece of advice: beware of those anti-makeup Jordanian feminist posers. As the late writer Mohammad Tommalieh wrote in a piece called “Her hair is tied in a pony tail”, she will hit you with more demands than Fathyyeh the minute things get serious.


8. Do it virtually
Become the first guy you know to hold the entire wedding on the internet
Doing the whole thing online shouldn’t be a tough sell, particularly if you manage to fall in love with a blogger. A virtual wedding is not only revolutionary – remember, you’re trying to get your names in the history books – it is the practical way to give your girl her dream wedding. Fireworks? Get the kind that spell out your initials. Intricate bouquets of red roses on every table? Won’t take but a moment. In Paris? The streets will be empty as you (virtually) walk to the Arc de Triomphe. And so forth.
Getting your own online invitation hut, reception hall and wedding extravaganza set up does require some organisational efforts on your part, but after this, she’s supposed to be your personal secretary, right...?


7. Sell tickets
Having successfully held an event where people paid for something they could do at home, we’re the experts on this
Your wedding is a party, right? There’ll be music, right? There’ll be food and drink, right? So, why not, like every other single party in Jordan this summer, ask people to pay a modest sum of money for the benefit of being amongst the hippest gathering this side of a masked ball at the Raghadan Palace? Most people reading this will have been to at least one wedding where Nancy Ajram made an appearance, or Amal Hijazi sauntered onstage to the obvious distaste of the bride’s mother – and these guys charge a small fortune for their usual concerts. Surely 20JDs isn’t too much to ask. And it’ll still be roughly 80JDs less than they were going to spend at Eight the same night.
This, of course, might not exactly be an embodiment of the famous Arab hospitality, but look on the bright side – if no one comes, the catering bill will be deliciously minute.


6. Go ironic
If you want to save some money, anything cheap and nasty can always be labelled deliberately “kitsch”
In Amman these days, 1,200-1,500JDs can get you a fully decorated hall, a wedding cake (that would actually be distributed to the guests) and a round of soft drinks for everybody. Some wedding halls will even offer the DJ and the zaffeh gang as a complimentary service. Good times for everybody – especially for a groom with his wallet to consider.
Better still, kitsch is a trend on the rise right now – just look at how many people proudly say they had dinner at Hashem or are experimenting with public transportation. To really nail the authentic kitsch vibe, you can invest another 500JDs in plastic flowers, an over-decorated “throne” area and maybe a rented 2003 Hyundai Accent for the wedding car. You may even convince the bride to go with excessively cheap makeup, highlighted by green eyeshadow, and invite as many little kids as possible. If you can then persuade the office boy to contribute with a couple of live Shaaban Abdel Rahim songs, accompanied by a fat belly dancer from the glory days of the Meridien, that would be the cherry on the pie.


5. Get your family and friends to do everything
Unpaid labourers can help make your wedding look fantastic without keeping you up late at night. And all because they care...
It’s not like they’ll be doing anything special this summer anyway. Your family and best buds want your happiness, so there should be no problem in getting them to help you pull off a nuptial extravaganza at a fraction of Four Seasons’ cost. Sam Sabbagh recently did just that, and here he tells us how.

On the hall: Make sure your boss likes you, no matter how you feel about him, and when the big day comes, you’ll have access to your work’s facility. I work in a boarding school, so we got to use its big hall – which easily fits 200 people – as well as its gigantic freezers.

On music: Some of our friends who play different instruments played together – till the alcohol took over, then it was on to the iPod!

On food: My mother-in-law is a master cook, and around five months before the wedding, she started work on the food: yalanji, sambosak, sfiha... And we just stuck all of it into the school’s freezers. We started making the main course around two days before the wedding, and my mum made around 20 ice cream cakes for dessert.

On booze: My brother went around to factories, actually, and talked to the managers. With nearly 200 people, he told them about the publicity they’d be getting and all other kinds of PR stuff  – he works in advertising – so we got fantastic prices for lots of beer and wine.


4. Marry a foreigner
A girl with different cultural expectations – and no family around – will make for an easier wedding
During the battle of the wedding ceremony, you can never forget – not that your in-laws would allow it – that you’re marrying daddy’s little princess who came down from the heavens to bring joy and rainbows to this world, and he will be damned if some two-bit kid with a “law degree” is going to dodge sinking 16 bank loans into this holiest of occasions.
At least that’s what we heard... At any rate, marrying an Arab girl comes with a massive amount of social obligations, so it makes perfect sense that marrying a foreign girl greatly reduces that obligation to simply assuring your mother that the exotic bride has a well-built uterus for producing many sons. And we’re sure you’ll appreciate the variety of non-native brides to choose from:

Russian
Pros: Fair skin, blue eyes and quirky accent
Cons: Travel expenses, endless gossip about “where you found her”

Indonesian
Pros: Demure, excellent domestic skills
Cons: Learns Arabic very, very quickly

Spanish
Pros: Really hot
Cons: Stubborn, probably supports Real Madrid

American
Pros: Great fun, independent, very useful Green Card potential
Cons: Loud, whiney, very expensive

British
Pros: EU passport, excellent drinking buddy
Cons: Always 5kg overweight, not best friends with the sun

Scandinavian
Pros: Excellent discipline, non-materialists
Cons: Terrible cook, requires air conditioning


3. Marry during a war
Fortunately, massive and frivolous expense at the pinnacle of human suffering is severely bad taste
If you’re thinking about taking that ultimate step – hey, whatever works for you – then it might be an idea to scope out potential flashpoints across the Middle East and try to schedule your hotel booking for the opening days of the latest regional conflict. Already in this century, we have seen an extended Intifada in Palestine, Israel’s savage attack on Lebanon, the bombardment of Baghdad, which was quickly followed up by a brutal pan-Iraq civil war, and latterly the sustained aerial assault on Gaza, so there’s a pretty decent chance the happiest day of your life will be someone’s saddest.


2. Become incredibly devout
It doesn’t matter what faith you are, if you believe it enough, you could be saving plenty of cash
This is an easy one. It goes without saying that the more devout you are, the less lavish your wedding ceremony will be – unless you’re an evangelical Christian, and believe that Jesus was a merchant banker from Connecticut who ordained that unfettered capitalism and the lowering of income tax was the most worthy way to honour the Lord. In the Middle East, though, strengthening your devotion in Islam is an obvious first step; think of the savings you’ll make by not serving alcohol, a simple white dish-dash will come in much cheaper than a Boss three-piece suit, and if the wedding is segregated, there’s no need for an expensive band to keep everyone dancing into the night. Getting on down with cousin Ahmad will soon lose its novelty.
Of course, if you’ve long shunned the conventions of observance, changing your religion completely will be more credible to the outside world. For money saving, Buddhism is probably your best bet. A shaven head removes the pricey salon, food is vegetarian and eaten with the hands, music is provided by a wandering band of hand-clappers and the party will be held in someone’s front room.


1. Get it sponsored
This is the day of the added-value media. Make use of it, men...
With the right sales skills and high-level connections, you can get big corporations to pay for your special night. Last year, a local radio station secured sponsorship from an aluminium manufacturer to bring stand-up comedy to Amman – because what’s more metallic than laughter? So getting your wedding sponsored can’t be that far-fetched. In the words of Alec Baldwin: “They’re sitting out there waiting to give you their money... Are you man enough to take it?”
Your first step should be putting together an impressive package: More than 300 high-profile guests are going to see the sponsor’s logo on the invitation cards, chairs, the billboard behind the bride and groom’s chair, and on the bride’s back during the first dance. It’s important, therefore, to pad your guest list with former ministers, businessmen, reality TV celebrities and local tribal chiefs.
After the event, you can circulate a press release that reads “Big company helps youth get married”, packed with unctuous quotes from the company’s CEO and the social development minister highlighting the importance of marriage and the private sector’s role in every Jordanian’s life. For life.

A full version of the Top 10 list appears in NOX 35