Top 10 Ways To Screw Up Valentine’s Day

As a species, us men are hardly overflowing with romantic ideas – it’s as much as we can do to remember a birthday and, frankly, anniversaries require less-than-subtle hint-dropping for us to even think the 19th of June has some special meaning. So it is with Valentine’s Day. It’s crass, it’s juvenile, it’s a contrived exercise in mass affection – and however cool, reasonable and otherwise intelligent your other half is, they were expecting something mid-February. So here’s our guide to not completely ruin your chances of ever seeing her in anything sexier than a ski jacket for the next two months…And if you already did, print this out and save it for next year

10. Involve your mother in any way
Valentine’s is certainly not the day you want to be introducing the idea of a potential mother-in-law to your date
If you’re a momma’s boy – and if you’re even thinking about your mother on Valentine’s, it’s a reasonable bet you are – get her out of the way early on with a bunch of flowers and a lunchtime visit. You can let her reciprocate the power of the apron strings by making you sandwiches, but whatever you do get the hell out of there before she starts setting the table for three.

9. Get very, very drunk
It’s night of celebration, sure, but don’t abuse the opportunity by downing three bottles of Champagne before dessert
The editor tells a very painful story about this particular problem, which ruined an otherwise blossoming relationship. It involved a long-anticipated Valentine’s date with an extremely cute girl – and the first night of drinking after a prolonged course of antibiotics for a virus picked up in Syria. The lack of practice combined with the speed-drinking that usually accompanies big-date nerves resulted in the rapid disappearance of three bottles of red wine, a garbled two-hour monologue, a clumsy attempt to get back to his flat and, well, the physical inability to exploit the situation he had gracelessly carved for himself. Strangely, he never returned his calls.

8. Use your generosity as a basis for future negotiation
Valentine’s Day is a day for spontaneous romance – not a time for negotiation
Okay, we kind of understand that expressing our affection for the woman in our lives is meant to be natural, spontaneous, effortless, and not something that requires weeks of thought and preparation simply to offer the barely acceptable minimum token of esteem. Right? And one thing that is guaranteed to betray just how much of a pain in the backside this whole Valentine’s Day thing has become is to use it as some kind of bargaining chip. You’re not – or shouldn’t – be doing anyone any favours here. You’re not Santa Claus to whom your better half has to demonstrate just how good she’s been for the past year.

7. Work beyond 7pm
There are times where a man needs to really, really stick to his deadlines (before a vacation, after a hefty bonus), but Valentine’s is definitely not one of them
After the discussions that started a month before the actual day as to how you’d be celebrating, it would be very detrimental to your love life, and maybe physical health, if you were to so much as postpone those engagements to play catch-up in the office. And if you break them completely, you probably had suicidal tendencies you were unaware of – especially if she knows just how hot the new sales girl is.

6. Think that a text message at 11am is sufficient
The phrase is “say it with flowers”, not “say it with a smiley face-laden SMS during your mid-morning coffee break”
On Valentine’s Day, it’s not always the thought that counts. Just because you remembered to say “I luv u” via SMS just as your third coffee is going down does not mean you are off the hook. Remember, the will be surrounded by her colleagues’ gifts, flowers, chocolates and fluffy bears contaminated a measles-like proliferation of love hearts, so a beeping cellphone will not cut it.
If you are going to send a message of love, for God’s sake put some thought into it – and no, not the kind of “thought” they do over at Hallmark. Like these:

6/10: A charming call in the morning. Make sure your voice reverberates with resounding passion – if you can sing your morning call, even better.
Up it a point by: Read out a romantic poem, preferably by Persian love meister, Rumi.

8/10: Send her a bouquet of flowers with a hand written card. If your own handwriting resembles that of a dying aardvark, get someone else to write the actual words.
Up it a point by: Taking calligraphy lessons a month earlier to get it write.

10/10: Show up in her work, with rose in your teeth, and the mirror-trained recital of Shakespeare’s Romeo.
Up it a point by: Having a bottle of bubbly ready to be served.

5. Watch football all day. With your friends
As she will remind you repeatedly, Valentines Day is basically another birthday – so it’s all for her.
Although this year  Valentines’ Day fellon a Saturday. And, you may have dodged the bullet since the 14th featured just a few FA cup games and some fixtures in Germany that nobody cared about.
But by sacrificing yourself at the altar of cheesy love for one night a year (okay maybe on her birthday too), there’s no way on earth your wife/girlfriend could possibly have grounds for complaint when you slope off to the coffee shop the following night – when there’s a bigger game like the Milan derby.
Oh, and however you manage to incorporate your main love affair into your actual one, don’t – for the love of God, don’t – sulk all through dinner if your team loses to a dubious injury time penalty.

4. Be honest
Don’t. Speak. Your. Mind. At any given point, and on any of the topics that may call into questions her characteristics
Being honest is, on today of all days, inexcusable. Because by now we should know just how crazy women are. The undeniably true could still be the woefully incorrect; responding to one of her inquiries on this night requires tactical poise, a little rehearsal and a library of non-committal-but-still-sweet one-liners to ensure you see her (admittedly slightly extended) ass again before April.
Make sure you count seven seconds before speaking out. And so that it doesn’t seem like you have to think too hard before answering, keep a glass of something in your hand and take a swing whenever you feel a diplomatic response may be necessary. Also, it can’t hurt to differentiate the wrong from the right answers for a few subjects that will probably come up, including:

Q: Do you think I look fat?
Wrong: Well, we could skip dessert.
Correct: Baby, you look divine.

Q: We need new curtains...
Wrong: What?!
Correct: What colour are you thinking of?

Q: Am I boring?
Wrong: Only when you talk about your friends.
Correct: I am never less than riveted.

Q: Do you think she’s cute?
Wrong: Of course.
Correct: Sorry, didn’t notice. Who?

Q: Maybe you can meet my parents this week...
Wrong: Oh look, a rainbow!
Correct: Only if you think I’m good enough.

3. Confuse romance with pornography
It’s a day of romance, not a night to demand satisfaction of all of your weirdest fantasies
There is a line. It might be fine, it might be blurred, but it’s important you never cross it. Ever. So, just because romance is in the air, this shouldn’t be confused with guaranteed action – or an opportunity to demand cheerleader outfits or an evening with your 14-volume collection of Barely Legal. T
Underwear: Victoria Secrets is fine, Ann Summers is ambitious
Entertainment: The English Patient is congenial, Spring Break Ass is just genital
Food: Thumbs up for home-cooked seafood, thumbs down for Mars Bars and Nutella
Accessories: Expensive jewellery is exquisite, liquorice-flavoured condoms expectant

2. Speak to any other woman for the entire day
The day of love and affection also has the potential to be the day of jealousy, insecurity and all the other crap women through at us the rest of the year
The golden rules are:
a. Don’t buy anyone other than the girl you’re seeing a gift or flowers – even if entirely plutonic. In fact, don’t even text or e-mail them. You can’t win that argument if she finds out you’ve even thought about another woman, no matter how logical your defence is.
b. If you do get a card from an admirer, friend or colleague, either destroy it immediately – a shredder and a lit match should do – or admit it straight away to show you have nothing to hide. It’s vital you don’t conceal anything that can discovered at a later stage and used against you. For the rest of your life.
c. Don’t invite any action that might prompt a phone call or text from another woman – apart from maybe your mother. There’s nothing that will kill a romantic dinner than Dima from marketing calling you up and shrieking down the phone about how much she loves lilies.

1. Not buy anything
We don’t care how little regard you have for the day, or how many conversations you have had about not marking the event, get something for her. Please.
It’s tempting to think that the phrase “Yeah, we’ve decided we’re going to pass on Valentine’s this year, it’s such commercial nonsense” has saved your ass in the build-up to February 14th. But in reality, the “we’ve” part of that sentence probably doesn’t stand up to much scrutiny. Even if it was entirely mutual decision – hell, even if she made the suggestion – it is simply relationship suicide to not at the very least have something wrapped up in your sock draw. And, no, a roll of twenties doesn’t count.
As one NOX employee stated, he always thought his wife was hyper practical, someone who “doesn’t believe in flowers, and Valentine’s Day means nothing to her”. Of course, when the day in question arrived, and he didn’t bother to acknowledge it, “I could feel a Tsunami-sized mood swing approaching. By 9.30pm, all hell broke loose as she declared, very loudly, how an unbelievable big jerk I was. When I repeated her earlier disapprovals of the whole event, it simply unleashed the dreaded phrase “Yeah, but I thought you’d actually try and be nice and do something.”  The moral of the story is, what comes out of wife or girlfriend’s mouth about Valentine’s is never to be trusted. So have a Plan B. Probably Plan C, too.