Apr 2001
In this issue:
Features
Top 10 Ways to Survive a Wedding
There may be some men out there who enjoy weddings, but we haven’t met them. And as the summer season of endless wedding hell is now upon us, here is NOX’s guide to surviving them.
Issue: Jun, 2008
9. Head straight for the bar
Why: If you must waste one night of the weekend, at least make the most of the free drink
When you add it all up, by the time you get to the wedding you’ve probably already spent more getting ready for it than you would on a regular Thursday night out: dry-cleaning the suit, buying a new tie, getting a hair cut, maybe even bothering to get a gift. So there’s no way you should feel guilty about getting stuck into the booze the second you’re done with all the clapping and drumming and stuff. Getting off your face will not only make time fly quicker than your chances of hooking up with your mate’s sister, it will ensure you will enjoy conversations with even the dullest people in the room, and you will find sudden pleasure dancing to the Macarena. And don’t worry about embarrassing yourself with slurred speech and a permanent, moronic grin, there the spread of food ought to be enough to absorb most of it… no amount of vodka can compete with plates full of lamb, steamed rice, grilled seafood, barbecued chicken skewers, freshly-fried felafel, Italian cold cuts, pistachio ice cream, those mini layered chocolate tart things… sorry, where were we? Yeah, drink. So, go for it. And pretend you’re toasting everyone a lot, hence the need for constant refills.
7. Hang out with the bride’s uncle
Why: Because there’s nothing more life-affirming than spending quality time with the only man enjoying himself less than you.
If you think you’re having a rough time of it, have some sympathy for the immediate family of those involved. They’re not just suffering the four hours of the wedding party, thrown together for forced conviviality with a clan they only usually suffer at an Iftar, they have heard nothing else apart this bloody night for the best part of 12 months. Invitations. Gifts. Suits. Dresses. Dinners. Jahas. Visits. Good wishes. New flats. Honeymoons. Poorly disguised begging from the impoverished groom. The maternal uncle has, by the big event, has had every infernal detail shoved down his throat, and it’s one more night of pain before he reclaim his sanity and return to a house where every third word isn’t “wedding”.
He’s easy to spot, too. On his own at a table in the corner, tie loosened the minute the happy couple have been drummed into the ballroom, a cigarette burning to the filter and an open palm keeping his head from sliding onto his $15 lace napkin. The only words out if his mouth for the last 20 minutes are barked orders for more whisky. So, pull up a chair, double up on the order, and spend a fabulous two hours moaning about everything in the room.
It’ll fly by, trust us.
5. Take bets on the evening’s events
Why: Offset the sheer predictability of it all by winning cash on the back of your boredom
Running a book on events is the surest way to make even the most mundane events seem like the height of entertainment. Ever tried playing the advert game? If your mates are over at your house watching the game, half-time can be livened up by dividing them into two teams and, when the ads come on, see who can guess the product before it is identified on screen. It can get so competitive that you actually regret the players coming back out for the second half.
Weddings can offer the same kind of fun. There are spot rounds like “Guess the next song”, in which money is collected and bids taken in time for the next tune. There are sweep stakes, in which people nominate the time the food will be served, or how many guys with drums there will be. There are also straight odds, like 3-to-1 at least one of your friend’s girlfriends will disappear to the bathroom crying about something no one can quite work out, or 5-to-one on that the words “so tacky” will emerge from the lipsticked mouth of an unmarried female once during the party. Spread bets can involve how many girls are wearing body glitter – a great excuse to stare at exposed flesh – or how many Elissa tunes will get an airing. In fact, there are so many ways to make cash, you might not want this party to end.
3. Hook Up
Why: Chasing hot women is One of the more annoying aspects of going to a wedding is the hideously patronising mock surprise of your nearest and dearest when they catch you wearing a suit. Various variations of the phrase “don’t you scrub up well” – usually preceded by a nauseating “ooooOOOoooo” sound – will have to be stomached between your last glance in the bathroom mirror and the venue, where the sheer weight of nicely-tailored numbers ought to absorb any lingering incredulity that you can actually wear a tie without fainting. The plus side, of course, is that the girls have put roughly 7000 per cent more effort into their appearance than you have. In the Arab world, where good looking women aren’t exactly thin on the ground already, that means everyone in heels qualifies as an extremely promising target. The one sure-fire way of enjoying a wedding, therefore, is to pick the first attractive single girl you offers you her cheek for smiley air-kissing and make it your night’s goal to see just how sturdy her miracle tape really is.
The positives are endless: dancing actually has a point, Nancy Ajram ceases to sound like a drill to the temple with a hot girl’s cleavage right in front of you, any other girl you might have liked is instantly jealous and whatever else happens, you’ve got some stories to tell your mates over a beer later in the week. Even more importantly, though, there is absolutely no chance of being embarrassed by the wedding photographs… there’s no way on earth an Arab girl at a party will look worse than you. Unless you’re incredibly unlucky.
1. Just don’t go
Why: Come on, it’s way easier to just skip it
Obviously there are certain weddings that you simply can’t avoid – your own, your best friend’s and any immediate family (and, no, cousins don’t count). But for everyone else, a well-timed excuse will get you out of a commitment that will shred your weekend, decimate your wallet, sap your soul and lessen your faith in human imagination. The only people who enjoy weddings are those who haven’t eaten a square meal in over a week, dumpy girls who think this might be their night (for the 36th straight wedding), and the father of the bride, who is delighted that after years of monstrous financial outlay it’s finally someone else’s responsibility to keep her in Dolce and Ga-bloody-bana handbags. Oh, and there’s probably an incredibly important football match on the TV, too.
So our advice, for what it’s worth, is skip the whole sorry charade. So, you need an excuse. And it better be good. We have asked around our friends, freelancers and general flakes, and came up with this authoritative list of excuses for skipping out on the big day.
1. The highly contagious virus.
Absolutely sure-fire winner, as you can stay at home and everyone thinks you’re doing them an enormous favour by keeping your distance. You don’t want to give the bride a nasty stomach bug for the honeymoon now do you?
2. Your wife/sister/any female you know is about to give birth.
Obviously, this only works if you don’t have many other close friends on the guest list. And be prepared for a lifetime of lying about the whereabouts of the kid whose birthday shares their anniversary.
3. My Visa expired.
Naturally, if you’re a national, this won’t work. Expats or refugees, though, are home free. Literally.
4. Near-death experience of close friend (who no one knows).
Not that we want to tempt fate, but there ought to be a host of possible fatalities to strike your friends at any given moment. Drug overdose (we all know someone), car accident (particularly if you live in Syria) or violent mugging (everyone has a friend in London), no one is going to question your desire to be by their bedside.
5. My parents just got divorced.
A bit lame, but the “I can’t face a wedding at such a harrowing time” line might just work. And no one wants their wedding jinxed by bad nuptial vibes.
6. Trust me, the bridesmaid doesn’t want me there… and, please, don’t bring it up with her.
Vague, rakish and requires a break in confidence to disprove, this only works if you’ve got a bit of a reputation already. If you’re 160kgs with an 1980s haircut, you’re not going to convince yourself.
For the full version of the Top 10 list, see NOX23
