Top 10 ways to be a better Arab

Arabs have, since the time of the first ever goat-skin tent, made incredibly important strides in the development of man and his world. In science, language and the arts, our forefathers – adopted or otherwise – surrendered their precious lazy hours in search of bigger and better things, and in honour of this sacrifice, NOX looks into the ways we can be better Arabs.

10. Really love Umm Kulthoum
We are aware that each of her songs takes two hours, and we are also aware that for the untrained ear (ie anyone under the age of 55) listening to The Lady repeat the same verse 300 times is more demanding – and considerably less entertaining – than reading Edward Said’s Orientalism in one sitting. But she is still “the star of the East”, the best voice to have ever lived, as big a part of Arabic culture as polygamy and dictatorship. Even Bob Dylan likes her. Forcing yourself to listen to at least one song will definitely make you a better Arab. And no, listening to “Lissa Faker” or “Seeret al-Hob” squealed by George Wassuf does not count.

9. Park a 1972 Mercedes 200 in your garage
Between 1968 and 1976, 1.92 million Mercedes 200 family saloons – chassis model W114 or W115 – were made. And roughly half of them seem to have ended up in Amman. Indeed, it is still the ultimate symbol of Arab aspiration; the oblong headlights, the painted rims, the voluptuous chrome bumper and the generous windscreen can always be seen in First Circle drives and Jebel Weibdeh garages – lovingly polished by old men in even older hattas, who still believe that the star-shape on the bonnet marks them down as men of some distinction.

“For the duration of production, around 25 were sold in Amman every month,” says Raja Gargour, whose family remains the principal importer of Mercedes in Jordan and Lebanon. “We were selling around 15 of that figure. So, times that by 12 months and then by six years! ”

8. Argue about stuff you know nothing about
Arabs like to argue. In the words of Saudi fundamentilist-turned-secularist Abdallah al-Qassimi: “Arabs are a vocal phenomenon.” And nothing brings out the spirit of Souk Ukaz more than a good shouting match – especially one in which both debaters are completely oblivious to its facts. Even if you aren’t a former minister or religious “scholar” and don’t warrant an appearance on al-Jazeera’s Al-Ittijah Al-Mo’akess, or don’t have access to a public forum, you don’t need to worry. Just walk up to a stranger – cab drivers are always ready and willing – and bring up the issue of Darwin’s 100th anniversary.

It’s not important whether he agrees with you or not – in fact, some of the most violent arguments take place when both sides are in total agreement. Just start throwing around clichés and misconceptions (humans come from monkeys, Hitler and Darwin believe that retards should die, etc) and inch closer to religion as you grow angrier, leading you to scream out verses from the Quran or Bible that may or may not be related to the topic. In the rare case that you are countered by a logical coherent response, change the subject and start a tangential argument.
If at any point you are cornered, accuse the guy of being an infidel, a CIA agent, a Fatah member, a mokhabarat guy – or any combination of the above. When the first reference to a female family member is made, and punches might be thrown, bring up how hot Haifa Wahbe is and laugh it off.

7. Convert someone to Islam
In our quest to delve into the Arab psyche, we try to pressure a (non-Islamic) Westerner into converting to the faith. It turned out to also be the perfect way to delve into people’s privacy. Talk about efficient...! Here’s a genuine conversation:

Hajji: How long have you been living in the Middle East, brother?
Khawaja: Oh, about two years now.
Hajji: And what do you think of the culture.
Khawaja: Oh, man, it’s so different from back home! It’s taking me a while to get used to it...
Hajji: And what do you feel about Islam? How do you feel when someone says “asalamu alaikum” to you? Does it not make your heart content?
Khawaja: Er...
Hajji: Does it not make you feel one with Allah? You know, Arab lands are blessed because they worship Allah the way he has asked to be worshipped. We have inspired many foreigners to embrace Islam as the one absolute and totally correct religion. Do you not agree?
Khawaja: Er... Listen, I’d much rather leave religion to the side, man. We can be good friends without bringing the “divine” into it all.
Hajji: That is the wrong way to think. If you do not convert to Islam, you’ll soul will burn in hell for a millennium, and four horrifying demons will come and do all sorts of interesting but still uncomfortable tortures on you... Are you married?
Khawaja: Listen, I’m really not...
Hajji: What are you waiting for? Don’t you want to have kids and family? That would please the Lord.
Khawaja: No, I’m a free-spirit, man...
Hajji: Do you have a sister? Does she cover her hair? Do your parents drink... alcohol?
Khawaja: Really got to go. You take care now!
Hajji: Wait! Wait! I have  a copy of The Message...


6. Grow a prodigious mustache
In the face of the hipster-led takeover of the mustache, Arab men are at a bit of a loss: we are too complacent to reclaim the ’tache from the irritatingly pretentious upper lips of oh-so-fashionable youngsters – yet too confrontational to watch it become a white man’s insignia of coolness.

However, perhaps it is our inability to wear facial hair with any sense of irony that makes us so Arab. But look at our options in this department: we can nurture a horizontal landing strip like a downtown cabdriver; flaunt it with the authority of a gun-weilding tyrant; even use that unkempt bush of wiry hair as a museum for the patriotic scents of Turkish coffee and cigarettes – and pull it all off without the risk of anyone mistaking it as a joke.

When using our facial hair as a statement of our ethnicity, though, it’s bound to end in failure. Cultivate a set of side-burns to go with your ’tache, for example, and those chops will move you off Planet Arab and into the world 1970s porn – even if you were going for the throwback-to-the-classic Egyptian-film look. That might even bring our own sense of aplomb and irony to the mix – who says we Arabs don’t have our own version of the hipster? With our burgeoning international popularity as, well, more than a group of crazed terrorists, it may be more hip to be Arab than we think.


5. Haggle over everyhting
A shopping trip with a granddad from Carrefour to a few small stores summed up years of experience in a few easy-to-follow points .

a. Know your prices. You’ll look more incredulous if you genuinely know that Baladna Halloumi cheese is 0.25 cents cheaper in Safeway.

b. If you’re too embarrassed to make eye contact, don’t worry; it’s not necessary. What is, though, is a very loud, contestant monologue about the recession that eventually humiliates the store manager so much that he’ll give into your every discount wish.

c. If you are bartering in a big shop, make sure your spending at least 120 JDs. You’re not getting money off a sticker price if that sticker reads 0.900. But don’t fear, in a small shop anything is possible; I bought a dust-buster in Swefieh for 25 per cent of the asking price!

d. Know the salesman’s breaking point. This one will take a while, but you need to sharpen your awareness of the salesman’s discount readiness. My grandfather put down 7JDs for a shoe with an asking price of 20. It worked. All I can hope is that by the time I’m 72 years-old, I can do the same...

e.Lastly, don’t present a logical explanation of why product A is not worth the asking price. Shopkeepers will take offence – yes, even of logic – and you’ll end up buying squat.


4. Write a poem
With all due respect to the great Mahmood Darwish and Nizar Qabbani, the current trend of “free poetry” needs to stop. Twelve random words that may or may not rhyme do not make an Arabic poem, even if they were spread out one word per line. So if you really want to be a better Arab, stand on a the edge of a hill (or valley) and start your 80-verse poem by describing your last girlfriend’s villa. Our team of writers managed to produce one of the better quasi-poems of the decade, and broke down the basic Arabic poetry components. (Published exclusively in NOX32).

3. Speak fusha
There’s no doubt the Arabic language is one of the greatest achievements of our region. But speak it on the street, and there’s a chance everyone will think you are either crazy or taking the p*ss. Mirza Hatq, our motoring editor, put his Fusha to the test to check the theory.

The wife
Surprisingly, the missus couldn’t speak fusha fluently. I told her that she wasn’t too bad; she just sounded like a person who understands French fully without knowing how to speak it. Alas, it turned out to be a very painful truth...

Cashier
While bringing up the tally, I tried to make conversation about the general world. The guy insisted that I was a foreigner, even after I used my most gutteral Jordanian accent afterwards as proof of my origins. When I told him about the theory of speaking the true Arabic language in our region, he thought it was more worrying than amusing.

Grocery man
As soon as I started, he couldn’t stop laughing. I could barely get a sentence out.

Fellow journalist
I started talking about the Israeli elections, and he became very excited and we went on to a few other subjects. When we finished, he started getting a bit misty-eyed, and said he was very happy to be able to use the proper Arabic tongue to discuss such important issues. I’ve probably only felt this proud of myself three times in all of my life.


2. Live off a camel
To be a true Arab, you must ask not what you can do for your camel... but what your camel can do for you. Here are just some of the bounties of your beast of burden – and your expertise in extracting them will also mark you down as an Arab of considerable breeding. Get rearing...

Fire: The animal’s extremely dry faeces makes for excellent fuel for a campfire. Just hold your breath for the first half hour...
Combat: Camels use their ability to scare off horses at close range, as well as trains for equipment transport – and don’t need diesel. Or coal.
Meat: The brisket, ribs and loin are all delicately flavoured, but the fatty hump is considered an absolute delicacy. Tastes like coarse beef.
Milk: Camel milk is richer in protein than cow milk. Although it can’t easily be made into butter, it can readily be made into salty yogurt. It’s green, though.
Fabric: An abaya made of the animal’s thick coat reflects sunlight, and can insulate the wearer from the desert’s intense heat. It’s also ethnically stylish.
Blood: If you’re feeling vampirish, camel blood is a source of iron, vitamin D, salts and minerals, and is a staple in Kenya. Just mind your K9s, there.
Currency: The ATMs of North Africa, camels don’t require safe hiding places, can defend themselves, and require little in the form of food.
Leisure: Camel racing is popular in Saudi, Bahrain, Qatar, UAE, Australia and Mongolia – and it is not only a major spectator event, it can earn you 
a few million riyals if you happen to stumble across a winner.


1. Take up the oud
According to Kamal Musallam, one of Jordan’s foremost exponents of the instrument, he thinks he knows about 15 per cent of what there is to know about the oud – and he’s been playing it for 20 years. “I don’t think anybody ever truly masters the oud,” he says, discouragingly. “There’s just way too much to know; from Andalusian tradition to classical Arabic, to 19th century Turkish and Iraqi folk… I mean, I can play, but master? No, I don’t think I can say that.”

Still, even if you’re not going to be appearing at the Jerash Festival along side Simon Shaheen any time soon, being able to crank out a basic Iraqi folk maqam will solidify your Arabness – and ought to generate a few admiring glances from any sultry, olive-skinned women present. Which, let’s face it, is why you’d actually go to the trouble. “Firstly, you have to know how to hold it,” says Kamal, perhaps not relishing the idea of teaching someone whose idea of musicality is a three-chord thrash of “Wild Thing” at house parties. “Then you learn how to hold the pick. And then there’s the strumming technique – down strokes or, these days, both up and down – and after that maybe we’d work on a few triplets, which is a common ornamentation.”

Kamal is reasonably optimistic about anyone’s chances of getting it down eventually. “Listen, if you have an hour’s lesson a week,” he insists, “and practice every night in between, I reckon that after three months you could say you could play the oud.”

And having done so, you would be swimming in the ocean of Middle Eastern heritage – the first documented picture dates from Southern Mesopotamia 3,000 years ago. “It is closest to our hearts as Arabs,” says Kamal. “It is the most soulful instrument, the one that is the epitome of the Tarab!”
Clear? If so, a decent one will set you back 400JDs – twice that for a “professional” model. But what price culture?

For more tips and embaressing stories from people who tried a little too hard to be better Arabs see NOX32.